Friday, December 30, 2011

An Open Letter to Ron Swanson

Dear Ron Swanson,

First of all, thank you for not openly rooting against me. I've seen the treatment many of your least favorite people have gotten, and I know that I am fortunate enough to be on your good side. Or at least not on your bad side.

Next to my wife, I enjoy my time with you every week more than anyone, from your wacky yet manly quotes. You have truly inspired me to be a crankier person, because you have the same outlook on life every day: people are annoying. If they are not there to help you, then they should not be there at all, and to me, this is a profound way to live.

Every one of your quotes could be on a t-shirt, and I would want to wear one of those shirts every day of my life. A different one every day. It would have the quote on the front, and then the back would be your mustached face.

And let's talk about that mustache. Not since Magnum PI has a mustache fit a person so well. It's almost like its own character. But that would take away from the character of Ron Swanson itself.

It's a crime that you have never won on award, and it's a travesty that you have never even been nominated for an award. I feel like the only reason is because people fear that you will burn their crops and salt their fields should you not win. And this is just not something voters want to deal with.

But most importantly, Ron, I want to thank you for arming me with vague threats and frankness that I could use on my students. Now, there's a good chance that I probably shouldn't have told one Latin students that, and I quote, "had carved him a coffin from a tree that grew in his own front yard," yet I digress.

When in doubt, if people think I like them and they try to get to close, I do what you told me, Ron. I call them by the wrong name.


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